I heard we made out
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
