I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
