is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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