I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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