They should really pass out barf bags in church
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
