Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
