Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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