Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
