I'd wear matching sweaters with you
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
