Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
