WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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