I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
