my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
