This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
This house was built for laser tag.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
