You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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