I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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