I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
