I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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