i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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