I'm retarded. Again.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.