You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus