I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode