i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.