If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
