Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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