I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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