I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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