Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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