so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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