She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
