unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
