We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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