One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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