Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
