you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
