dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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