Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
