his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
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