Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
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alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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