hell yes lets make some ravioli
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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