Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
