His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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