I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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