Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
