Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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