I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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