Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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