i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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