I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
