so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
