Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
