Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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