Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
