I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
